Admission
by simpleprod
Summary: Romano is depressed and admits to it in various small ways. How many times will he have to admit it to himself though before he can open up to his boyfriend as well? SpaMano;Rated T for language;May be complete


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Hetalia. Simple as that.

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><p><strong>Admission<strong>

The first time Romano admitted it was when he was alone with Antonio at his boyfriend's house.

The two were messing around on Antonio's bed with his boyfriend's new turtle and laughing over something stupid when Romano suddenly stopped. He hadn't planned on telling anyone because he felt as if it was nobody's damn business but after laughing so hard he just felt it was right…

"I'm depressed."

He looked over cautiously at Antonio, trying to see his reaction but at the same time not wanting to see if Antonio took it badly.

To his surprise though the bastard was still smiling! "What the hell?" he shouted. Honestly, what sort of sick boyfriend looked so happy to hear that their lover was depressed?

Antonio jumped a little and looked at Romano curiously. "Huh? Sorry Romano, I was spacing out just now. It's been a while since you've laughed like that and it reminded me of the past. What's wrong though?"

Romano's only response was to suddenly get up and walk out of the bedroom, down the stairs and out of the front doors.

"I think I missed something important," Antonio mumbled to himself after a moment.

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><p>The second time he broke down and said it he was by himself.<p>

After the Antonio disaster Romano was more convinced then ever to not tell a single other soul. Not even the mafia's worst torture methods would get him to say it.

"Shit… I'm messed up."

This was said as he looked at the cut on his arm which was no bleeding pretty badly and should probably be bandaged.

It wasn't like he was a cutter, nor did he plan on becoming one. This was just a… test. An experiment to see if he could still feel anything besides the loneliness and helplessness of depression. And he felt pain alright, but he also felt rather stupid. It was nowhere near as good as all those angsty teenage books he used to read had described it as. It didn't make 'everything feel more right somehow'. No all it made was a mess.

The test had failed, and he had failed too.

He sighed and took out the bandages from his medicine cabinet, carefully addressing the wound.

"Shit.. Antonio will freak if I don't cover this up for a while."

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><p>The next time he addressed his depression it was through the internet.<p>

"I'm so tired of this bullshit."

And after telling himself that one weekend he sat down at his computer and decided to try the miracle that was the internet.

_How do you treat depression?_

After a lot of clicks and grumbling later he had to face the facts. He had to get in touch with his damn feelings. The suggestion as to how to do this? Well the method he found most agreeable was righting how he felt down in a journal, or notes, or letters (that went nowhere but into a place he felt comfortable storing them), or just any way he was comfortable with as long as he wrote it down.

Sighing he rummaged around until he found an unused journal and something to write with. He then proceeded to write the date as well as how he felt.

_Hello. I feel really stupid for writing about something as lame as my feelings but if this is what it takes to get over my depression I'll do it. I guess I should feel angry. I mean, before all this shit started happening I would be pissed to have to do this. But now? I feel a bit mad but for the most part I don't feel anything. It's sort of like 'I have to do this so might as well get it done'. I hate it. When did I become like this? Why? I was so happy for so long with Antonio and everything. Is it god's punishment for me always swearing and acting like an asshole?_

"I wonder where I should hide this? Maybe under the mattress…."

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><p>The next time it came up it didn't actually come up at all.<p>

"Antonio stop being such a paranoid bastard!"

The two were lying together and Antonio was on to him. Or at least, Romano felt like he was.

"Well how did you get this if you didn't cut yourself? Huh?" His boyfriend was currently holding the arm he had cut a few weeks ago and looking pointedly at the basically healed cut.

"Okay so I cut myself… but it was an accident in the kitchen! You don't think I'm a cuter do you bastard? 'Cause I sure as hell am not one."

"That's what I meant! I didn't mean you cut yourself like that! You sure you aren't the paranoid one?"

Romano was about to respond when Antonio's attention was suddenly caught by something else. "Hey Romano, is your bed lumpy?" With every other comment from his boyfriend reminding him of his issue Romano was starting to freak. He had to think of a distraction… for both Antonio and himself.

"If you're only going to use your mouth for stupid questions then you might as well kiss me instead."

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><p>The final time it came up was when Romano least expected it.<p>

"Romano, we need to talk."

From his boyfriend's tone Romano could tell this was important. However he didn't realize how important it was. Because it was serious neither felt like sitting, so they just stood there in an unusually intense atmosphere.

"Romano, something's wrong. I don't know if I can fix it completely but I can help. You've been off ever since you left my house about a month ago. No, longer. Ever since you stopped laughing at things and then denying it. Ever since you stopped yelling or scowling or pouting over things that you really didn't need to." Romano opened his mouth but Antonio continued on. "When's the last time you gave me a headbutt? Please tell me what you said one month ago. Please share with me whatever is important to you… good or bad."

Romano sighed. "I can't tell you. I'm sorry." When he saw his boyfriend about to protest he continued, not wanting to be misunderstood. "I can't tell you but I think I could show you." And with that he went off to get that journal he started a few weeks ago.

It was sort of embarrassing to watch as Antonio read through all his ramblings about feelings. He had really opened up after the first few days, and to have all that private stuff being shared was weird. But just like that day on the bed with the turtle it felt right to let Antonio know. About everything. About how he had cut himself and how disgusted and ashamed that had made him. About how it felt to be empty inside. About how sometimes he was sure nobody really loved him even with such an amazing boyfriend who adored him. That journal really did hold everything, and when Antonio had finished reading Romano couldn't help but feel sort of… relieved.

"I love you so much Romano. Did you know that? And I'll use all my love and cheer up charms until we pull through! Okay?"

"Okay idiot, I get it." And after the smallest of smiles he gave his boyfriend the first headbutt in a while.

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><p><strong>AN:** Hello! This is my first (submitted) Hetalia fanfic idea in a while! Hurray!

My inspiration was my own experiences with being depressed and some really amazing fanfics I read dealing with depression (some ending happily others... not so much). I'm not sure how well I did on the ending since I haven't ever really gotten 'better'. I hope it wasn't too cheesy like I fear it might be.

I'm really tired right now so if it's not that good/there are tons of errors that might be why. I hope it isn't that bad though, because I did the best I could in the state I am (which is basically drop dead tired). If it was bad though feel free to give me some tips, I don't mind! If it was pretty nice I think I might make an omake/extra sort of thing as a little reward for both myself and whoever reads this. It all just depends on how well this goes over!


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